Stories change everything. Books change everything.  I suppose tonight an author named Alice Sebold changed my perspective on death.

Today started normal. It was the 1st book in my reading teacher’s library I hadn’t read but was still farmiliar.

The Lovely Bones was the hardest hitting book I ever read and it  affected me, effected me hard. I have never missed my dead family members more than this exact moment right now, as I continue to type,  eyes red and swolen , face salty with tears.

I haven’t lost many in my life.  A grandfather and my 2 dogs. I lost my precious dog Onyx first about 3 or 4 years ago. 2 month ago I lost Azul, who I belived was the 103rd dalmatin. About a month and a week ago I lost Abuelo.

I saw signes of my breakdown and it all didn’t add up until now: Our TV keeps switching channels by itself and I’ve been meaning to tell my mom I think it’s my grandfather. Today the music video that reminds me of both of my boys came on by chance.

I woke ip in tears, both pillows drenched. I couldn’t stay in my bed. I didn’t want to be alone. 2:30 AM is way too late to call my sister.She lives at her mom’s house, room across from her mom’s too. Odds are if I woke her up the whole house would be up in an instamt. I’ll be sixteen in April; no way we’re all fitting on that Queen.

But instead I disagreed with my last thought, turned off my TV, and darkened my room in to a silent, pitch black empty space where it will be untouched untill I need something in the morning. Long story short: I came in crying hysterically. I ended up explaining everything and we talked sitting up, my dad lying between us. I cried until 3AM.

For the first time since Abuelo and Azul’s death it all came crashing down just like the song We’ve Got A Big Mess On Our Hands by one of my favorite bands The Academy Is…

After my thoughts of a death became more acceptable and I calmed got real scarred. My mom lost her dad I could so lose mine. I imediatley touched my foot to his. It reminded me of when I was little and slept in their bed and I would loop my arm around my dads so he wouldn’t be able to leave for work in the mornings which always failed.

He slept as I pretended to and my mom watched Roseanne on Nick@Nite as she is now. That was at 3. It’s 4 as I write this sentance. I almost began to cry when the strangest thing happened. About 5 minuets after I took away my foot and an instant after my tears formed he erupted in laughter leavingme and my mother in stupor. It was so contagious that I began too, my laughter feuling my dad’s. All the while my mother asked us  “What? Is he sleeping? What the fuck? Was it a dream?”. He instantley went to sleep so we don’t know if he was awake or not.

I felt better after our fit of laughter, even if it only lasted 4, 5 or 6 minuets.

I’m tired and have to sleep not. More when I’m more inspired. I won’t even bother with spellcheck.

Advertisements